oh goodness.
I almost never do these prompts anymore. But I can’t resist this one.
I don’t know what I’m doing pretty much every day of my life at some point, and especially lately. With everything that’s gone on in the last few months, I feel like I’ve just been reacting. Constantly reacting, going with the moment, unable, just a little while later, to explain why or how something happened. Instinct saved me from going to jail a few times and from the worst of the screwups I could’ve made of my personal life, but not all of them—and I’m glad.
Caring about people is like groping in the dark sometimes—most of the time—looking for the right words to say that will make them feel better. Looking for the place to put your hand that magically heals what hurts, the thing you can do that will be the right thing. And so often it’s not and you’re wrong and you hurt them more or accidentally or you just can’t make it right because it’s not about you in the first place.
None of us really know what we’re doing when it comes to caring, we live in a world that doesn’t give us examples or support or help. We have our parents maybe if we’re lucky and even the best ones fuck up all the time. We have good friends—I have the best friends, I really do, so good I wonder why I bother spending time with anyone else—and even though they don’t know any better than we do they are at least willing to try, to talk, to let you cry on their shoulder and tell you it will be OK. (Even though saying it will be OK is so often not the right thing either, sometimes we want to know that feeling like it’s not OK is actually valid because there are so many things in this world that simply are not and never will be OK.)
I took a road trip this week to clear my head of a lot of things and even though I’m still working working working I also feel like, already, it’s helped.
Maybe this month I can do more of that, slow down a bit and feel conscious and aware of what I am doing, stop thinking with just my gut and actually know what I’m doing.
Maybe.
