(SPOILERS. Yes, I saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes.)
Oh, James Franco.
You manage to ruin human life as we know it with all of your brilliant sexy white man “science” and stuff. You screw up your father’s life and your job and lord knows those apes’ lives. And let’s not talk about your lovely girlfriend who knows way more about apes than you do but why should you care?
But in between the very obvious political subtexts of this movie—greed is bad, playing god is worse, animal testing is awful, and using a taser on apes will probably backfire badly on the dude who played Draco Malfoy—you, James Franco, are still Our Hero. Well, you and the CG apes, who are actually way better heroes than you are considering they are actually as nonviolent as revolutionaries being shot at from helicopters are capable of being.
But James Franco, you have RUINED THE WORLD. Literally. Not only have you made superintelligent apes but also a plague that’s gonna kill people (starting with a really nice dude who worked in your lab and was nicer to the apes than you ever were).
And still, because you are a special (and very attractive) white dude, you get a sorta happy ending. With a beautiful girlfriend who is no doubt still smarter than you.
For a while.
But we all saw the original Planet of the Apes (or the remake, with Marky Mark, who is and will always be my second-favorite Boston working-class actor after Matt Damon. And I mean, it’s HARD to beat Matt Damon).
So we know your happy ending doesn’t last, James Franco.
It’s not even that I’m wishing bad things on you(r character in this film).
It’s just, dude, YOU RUINED THE WORLD.