going off this - definitely not meant to be standard or even close to widely applicable! but here are some lessons i would maybe try to teach relatively wee isabel, if i could (relatively grown isabel meanwhile is, um, still working on these).
-pretending problems are not problems is not a workable solution or even a tenable arrangement. yes, even if you are sure the problems are “all in your head.” even if the problems are, in fact, all in your head. if you could have irrational thoughts, tell yourself you were being irrational, and actually move on, that would be one thing, but you can’t actually do that, which is admittedly unfortunate, but just own that you can’t, because you are also really, really bad at hiding your emotions.
-you are actually pretty bad at hiding things in general, which means that if someone likes you, they probably actually like you, and are not going to stop liking you once they discover some secret terrible self. what, the self that’s late all the time? the self that spends too much time on the internet? the self that thinks sailor moon is awesome and rocks out to ke$ha like all day every day? the self that gets super insecure and cries about stupid shit (see above)? they know that self already, hon. it is not possible to date you very long without knowing that self. you don’t have the energy or lying acumen to keep it under wraps. so you can relax about being found out.
-not everything a person in a relationship does is about you, nor should it be. their every choice is not a referendum on how much they like you at any given point, so stop treating it like one, and if they want to do a thing without you or a thing you are not into, go do your own thing! have fun! tell each other about it later.
-also, if he is going to go hang out with people you mostly do not particularly like, doing an activity you are not particularly fond of, jesus christ go home and read a book or something. you do not need to be One Of The Guys. that is what The Guys are for.
-sex without feelings is fine, and kind of neat. sex without attraction is one of the worst things you can do to your body.
-sometimes the thing a person needs most, and the best thing you can give them, is a place where they can relax. sometimes this means being still and silent, or reading a book, or something else that does not fall under “having their attention completely and 100% focused on me at all times.” that is okay! it is actually, if you think about how few people you trust enough to do that around, kind of an honor.
-to quote world/inferno: “trust your friends even if you can’t trust your friends/you’ve already agreed to travel with them.” if you’re not going to break up with him over feeling like you can’t trust him (because it’s not that you can’t trust him, it’s that you can’t trust anyone, because no one is a mindreader and what if he secretly thinks i am the most boring and unattractive person ever in the world HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE WITH THIS POSSIBILITY CONSTANTLY IN THEIR HEADS), then just trust him. if you aren’t going to walk, then you have nothing to lose, because no, sweetie, it wouldn’t have hurt any less if someone had taken you aside when you were six and told you what a bad person your father was. that would have sucked no matter what. yes, i did just make this about your daddy issues. i know, i hate it when people do that too. you’re not protecting yourself, here; you’re just taking away from a good thing.
-seriously: menstruation and leg hair are not the end of the world.
-people don’t stop being unhappy because you love them really hard. it doesn’t mean they don’t love you, and it doesn’t mean the answer is to try and carry more of their pain, because they’ll still have all of it and now you have it too. don’t drown.
-this is the biggest one: relationships are not about killing yourself trying to become the other person’s manic pixie dream girl. garden state is a terrible movie and natalie portman is a terrible actress. in fact, you know how hollywood is wrong about basically everything? relationships are maybe at the top of that list, so tone down the drama and throw away the scripts. you’re not types walking through an overdone set of obstacles; you’re just two people who really dig each other, going through life. love is a thing you feel, but it is also a thing you do. a thing you build, together, which can look however the two of you want it to look. stop worrying so much about what you aren’t and focus on creating what you are.
what would you tell your relatively wee selves, tumblr?
this is so lovely. I endorse them all.
the things I would tell my wee self?
-people will love you. they will love you so hard it will shock you, the things they will do for you, the ways they will come through for you. they will also fail you, those people who love you. you have to understand and forgive that and be wise enough to know that it’s not the same as deliberately hurting you.
-that scrabbly clawing why-doesn’t-he-love-me feeling, that’s not love. that’s your ego talking. let it go.
-you have friends who love you. they will know when your boyfriend is no good for you. listen to them.
-sex is funny. it is hilarious, in fact. only have it with people who understand this fact and can laugh at themselves, with you, about all of it. these are the people who are worth it, who are comfortable with you, who will make you feel good.
-you are actually really good at being alone. remember that and treasure it even when you have someone in your life with whom you want to spend every second. remember it especially when you’re hurting.
-the greatest loves of your life will be people with whom you are, have been, or will be “just friends”. there is nothing “just” about it.
